


Contralto

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 01:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12694080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: After having come to an important realization, a reluctant Mukuro attempts to deal with the problem.





	Contralto

**Author's Note:**

> My girlfriend drew for me again of course, because she's great. Have a sad Mukuro from the ending of the last chapter: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/167387936221
> 
> On a happier note, have Lesbian Mukuro and Questionable Ally Junko: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/167344841011
> 
> Also, she doodled Mikan getting her own gay awakening and it's adorable: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/167208017401
> 
> Hope everyone likes the chapter! I wrote most of it on, like, two days. My writing schedule is messed up.

* * *

 

Mukuro's eyes open slowly, remarkably so considering it is a nightmare that has just woken her up. The pictures are already blurring, she is already forgetting the dream.

_Sayaka's pretty hands are around her throat, squeezing._

She sits up, steadying her head with both hands.

_"Go on, kill my disappointing sister!" Junko encourages from the side._

She can't remember the last time she had a nightmare. Possibly during her first few months with Fenrir.

_Suddenly it is Junko strangling her, her face both grinning and snarling. She can feel her sister's nails tearing into her throat._

She gets out of her bed, stumbling into her bathroom shakily.

_"Kill that liar! Rip out her throat!" Sayaka screams._

Mukuro splashes water into her face. She is aware that she has been dreaming about Junko and Sayaka killing her throughout the entire night, but isn't sure how she knows when she can only faintly remember that last part with the strangulation.

A part of her is thankful, because she deserves to suffer.

Mukuro looks into the mirror. There are a lot of red marks on her temples, courtesy of her fingernails yesterday afternoon. They aren't that noticeable and it won't take long for them to go away, but they would still be visible for some time.

Maybe she should ask Junko to cover them up with make-up? Her sister would notice it anyway, so there's no use trying to avoid talking about it. And she doesn't want to worry Sayaka.

Mukuro can see her eyes narrowing in the mirror. Why would it matter if Sayaka was worried? She is not obligated to coddle someone like the Ultimate Idol in any way. Maybe she would just assume they are blemishes or acne anyway.

Mukuro hears her alarm going off, although it sounds muffled. Seems like the nightmare hasn't woken her up that early, at least. She leaves her bathroom, opens one of the desk's drawers she has thrown her phone in yesterday, and turns it off, ignoring the unread messages from Sayaka on it. She has no desire to read any of that right now.

She sits down on her bed, closing her eyes. She felt such a turmoil of emotions yesterday, but now? There is nothing. She feels absolutely nothing. She stands up again.

Mukuro goes on to shower, dress, brush her teeth, and pack her things with detached mechanicality. It is like before meeting Sayaka, except a hundred times worse.

She scoffs. She has only known Sayaka for a couple of days. How pathetic of her to get attached so quickly. Are her feelings even genuine? It has taken her only minutes to get completely enamored with the girl, becoming obsessed with someone for the mere act of being kind to her... for treating her like someone worthy of being smiled at. Who says she isn't just feeling an extreme sense of gratitude and mistaking it for love? What does she know about love anyway? She probably would have fixated on anyone else if they had been kind to her too, so it's not like Sayaka is special.

Suddenly the atmosphere in her room gets too oppressive for Mukuro's liking, and she leaves for class early.

It's so early that the only one in the classroom is, not surprisingly, Ishimaru. Upon her entering the room, he bolts up from his chair like a drill sergeant has just shouted his name at the top of their lungs. "Good morning, Ikusaba-kun! While you have never been late before, it is unlike you to show up this early! Could it be that you wish to make up for your misdeeds on Tuesday?!" He says with the air of a strict but benevolent father ready to forgive his misbehaving teenage daughter.

"Good morning. And, no." Mukuro says flatly. "I woke up early and didn't have anything better to do."

"I see! I do hope your sleeping schedule will not suffer because of it! It is key to one's health, as well as to how effective one's studying is!" Ishimaru says, not seeming to care about her lack of repentance.

"I will keep your advice in mind."

Mukuro walks to her seat. She spends the next few minutes going over her notes, but her mind isn't in it, nor is it anywhere else. She can't seem to focus on anything.

One by one, her classmates appear in the room. That is to say, she hears people walking into the room and sitting down without bothering to look who they are; one of them might be Sayaka, and she doesn't want to look at the girl right now.

She can clearly hear her laughing together with someone, most likely Asahina, at one point. It feels like an assault on her eardrums. She can hear them talking to each other too, and wishes she could blur it out with something, though the only thing that could is that purple walkman along with the matching headphones she still hasn't given Sayaka back. The thought of using them fills her with discomfort though, so she doesn't.

Naegi is one of the last few people to enter, sitting down next to her with a quiet yawn. "Good morning, Ikusaba-san." She can hear him greeting her, probably with a smile.

"Good morning." Mukuro mutters without looking up from her notes.

Naegi seems to understand that she isn't in the mood for idle conversation, so he leaves her alone until the bell rings.

She can't concentrate during class either. She can hear the teacher's words, but it's like they're dissolving before her mind can process them. It doesn't matter. Unless she gets expelled, it doesn't matter how good of a job she does in school. It's only a means to an end for Junko anyway.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Naegi putting a note on her table. She catches a hint of pink writing, and immediately forces herself to look away, staring blankly forward, pretending the note doesn't exist.

When the bell rings to signal the end of the first class of the day, Mukuro leaves for the bathroom without acknowledging the piece of paper still. She stays leaning against the door inside one of the stalls for about four minutes, then walks back to the classroom, entering right as the bell rings again. She notices the note is gone as she sits down on her seat.

No one puts anything on her table during the next class.

Two hours of Physical Education follow after that. Somehow Asahina manages to convince the teacher to let them swim in the pool on the second floor -- usually her nagging falls on deaf ears.

Seeing as the teacher is too busy trying to convince Fukawa, Fujisaki, Ludenberg, and Togami to join everyone, most of the other students use it as an excuse to spend their time goofing around or chatting with each other.

It's really only Asahina, Oogami, and Ishimaru who are swimming. And so is Mukuro, not once breaking out of the aggressive front crawl that she has started as soon as entering the pool. It feels cathartic, as if she is attacking the water, and more importantly this way Sayaka can't speak to her.

She must be around her thirtieth lap when the piercing shriek of a whistle makes her stop. She looks up and sees Asahina on the lifeguard chair, whistle hanging around her neck.

"Sorry to interrupt, guys!" Asahina shouts, laughing. "I wanna race Ikusaba-chan and didn't know how to get her attention!" She looks at Mukuro, though it kind of resembles a glare. "Are you up for that, Ikusaba-chan?!"

"If you want to." Mukuro says.

"Great!" Asahina punches her palm with her fist and walks to one end of the pool, Mukuro swimming along. She isn't under any illusion that she can win, but she has no reason to deny the request. It might be interesting to see just how much better the Ultimate Swimmer is. "Let's do ten laps!" Asahina suggests after jumping inside. Mukuro is suddenly aware that everyone is watching them... not that she cares.

"Fine by me."

"Hey, Sayaka-chan! Give the signal!"

"M-Me?!" A startled Sayaka asks. "Okay, um... Three. Two. One. Go!"

Mukuro pushes herself off the pool's edge, not bothering to pay any attention to her opponent. She's going to swim as fast as she can no matter what, whether Asahina is faster or slower than her is not relevant.

It's over in a flash. She can hear Asahina crying out in triumph right before she is done with her ninth lap. "I kicked your butt!" The swimmer yells gleefully as soon as Mukuro finishes the final lap.

"I didn't expect to win." Mukuro replies, finding the amount of hostility directed at her a little odd. She could be mistaken about it, but that's what it feels like.

"You were both really fast!" Sayaka cheers. "It was amazing! I haven't seen anyone give Aoi-chan such a hard time before."

"You have outdone yourself with your performance this time, Asahina." Oogami says, looking at the swimmer with a smile on her face. Then her eyes land on Mukuro. "Your performance was above my expectations as well, Ikusaba. I would not be able to swim as fast as you."

"Yeah! I didn't know Ikusaba-san could swim that fast! And seeing how fast Asahina-san is always amazes me!" Naegi exclaims.

"How'd you get so good at swimming anyway, Ikusaba?" Kuwata asks.

It's a question she would usually ignore, but everyone is staring at her. Before she can give her answer though, Junko interjects. "My big sis is the Ultimate Soldier. She'd win against anyone here except Aoi-chan."

"I take great pride in my speed, but I must agree!" Ishimaru says.

"What the hell does shooting have to do with swimming though?" Oowada wonders out loud.

"There are a lot of military targets near water. Vehicles are not always an option or they get damaged." Kirigiri deigns to speak up for once. "It makes sense for the Ultimate Soldier to be above average at swimming."

"To think being a soldier only equals shooting..." Yamada scoffs. "It seems someone only ever played first-person shooters and nothing else."

"I don't know what the _fuck_ you just said about me, but I know I don't like it!"

"Hey, no fighting!" The PE teacher commands, apparently having given up trying to talk those four into joining everyone. "Why don't you guys swim a bit more, huh? It's good for your health!"

A moderate amount of whining ensues, and Mukuro starts doing laps again just as aggressively as before. She's glad the teacher showed up -- everyone suddenly talking about her was an uncomfortable feeling. Hearing Junko compliment her made her happy though... she supposes the others doing the same didn't feel all that bad either.

She feels a bit exhausted when Physical Education is finally over. She's swum for much longer periods during her time in Fenrir, but pacing oneself makes a lot of difference.

When she finishes changing back into her uniform, she leaves the locker room immediately. It's time for lunch break.

Mukuro isn't sure where she should go. She could spend it in a bathroom, she supposes, but would Sayaka even bother looking for her on the roof? It's doubtful. And... hiding like some kind of coward rubs her the wrong way too. With that in mind, she walks up to the roof.

It's a nice day, though a bit chilly. She sits down on a bench as far away from everyone as possible and starts eating. It's a slow and listless process, but she can't bring herself to eat lunch how she usually does -- she doesn't have the energy.

Suddenly the peaceful tranquility on the roof is interrupted by a shout.

"Hey! You!" Mukuro looks up from her lunch and sees Asahina walking brusquely towards her with an anxious Sayaka in tow.

"Aoi-chan, stop!" Sayaka makes a weak attempt at grabbing Asahina's arm, but the swimmer shakes it off easily. "Mukuro-san wants to be on her own, it's-"

"It's not fine!" Asahina yells. Everyone on the roof must be staring at the scene right now, but the girl either doesn't notice or care. "You!" She jabs her right index finger into Mukuro's chest. "How dare you?!"

Mukuro could have stopped the finger of course, but Asahina doesn't seem like a threat. "Is there a problem?" She asks, confused.

"No!" Sayaka denies.

"Yes!" Asahina says, still very loudly. "You're making Sayaka-chan sad, you jerk! Why're you ignoring her?!"

"Aoi-chan!" Sayaka squeaks, sounding scandalized.

Oh. She feels stupid for not realizing that this is what all the hostiliy has been about. "I'm not feeling well today." Mukuro explains. "I tend to ignore people when that happens. I didn't mean to upset anyone."

"Well! You still should've, like, I don't know, explained that to her!" Asahina insists. "Also why the heck are you telling that to me! You should apologize to Sayaka-chan!"

"Aoi-chan, please stop." Sayaka argues, her face flushing red in embarrassment. "Mukuro-san explained herself. It's fine."

"I told you, it's not fine! She's been worried about you all day, Ikusaba-chan! She just doesn't wanna bother you. Well, that's what I'm here for!" Asahina says proudly. "I'll bother you till you submit!"

"I see." Mukuro says, mostly because she thinks she's supposed to say something.

"Now!" Asahina grabs Sayaka and forces her to sit down on Mukuro's left, then sits down on the right side herself. The bench is too small to comfortably fit three people, so Mukuro is sandwiched awkwardly between the two other girls. Usually she would be happy to sit so close to Sayaka, but in her current state it's impossible to feel like that. "We're gonna eat lunch together. Things are just gonna sort themselves out!"

Mukuro entertains the idea of just standing up and leaving, but Asahina seems like she'd follow her anywhere, dragging Sayaka behind. Still, it can't be much worse than the current situation...

"Hey, what's that you have?! It looks super yummy." Asahina interrupts her thoughts and leans in, staring at her still three quarters full rectangle plastic container.

"Chicken fried rice." Mukuro answers. She still had some left from yesterday, and didn't feel like getting anything else.

"Can I have some?!" Asahina asks eagerly. Then, seeming to remember that she's supposed to be angry at Mukuro, she adds: "Of course I can! It's atonement for being mean to Sayaka-chan!" She takes the chopsticks not offered to her and scoops up some of it. As soon as she has it in her mouth, her face lights up and she scoops up some more. And then some more.

"Aoi-chan! You're eating all of Mukuro-san's lunch!" Sayaka admonishes.

"My bad." Asahina says sheepishly, her mouth still filled with Mukuro's chicken fried rice. She swallows. "I guess I should give something in return. How about uh..." She fumbles around in her paper bag and takes out a small doughnut. "Here, that's the smallest one I could find." She admits that without any shame.

"Thank you."Mukuro says to be polite, then takes the pastry and bites into it. It's good, she supposes.

"Well?! How is it?!" Asahina demands without giving her any time to swallow. Mukuro swallows.

"It's good." She says.

"Of course it is. It's a doughnut! Who the heck doesn't like doughnuts?! Do you want one too, Sayaka-chan?"

"Um... I'm good."

"More for me! Hey!" Asahina points at Mukuro's thermos bottle. "That's a protein drink, isn't it?! I bet Sakura-chan drinks something way better than what you have!" The swimmer glares at her again. "I know she said she wouldn't beat you when it comes to swimming, but I bet she could. Sakura-chan was just being kind!"

"It's possible. I wouldn't know." Mukuro replies.

"Ugh!" Asahina huffs. "Why aren't you getting annoyed? Get annoyed!"

Mukuro blinks. "I'm... sorry?"

"Nevermind! Hey, Sayaka-chan, are you eating that sandwich?!"

"Y-Yeah." Sayaka says, sounding more than a little mortified.

Mukuro finishes the doughnut, since Asahina will probably try to push her off the building if she doesn't, and starts eating her own meal again.

It doesn't take long for Asahina to finish her lunch, having eaten it so ravenously that it's as though she has been starving for a week. "I'm gonna go look for Sakura-chan!" She says all of a sudden, standing up. "Uh, I need to. Discuss a thing with her. You guys just talk to each other or something, I guess!" She laughs in an incredibly forced manner, then flees the roof abruptly.

Mukuro looks after her, eyes narrowing in irritation.

"She, um... Aoi-chan isn't usually like this. She's trying to get us to talk to each other." Sayaka explains unnecessarily.

"I see." Mukuro says. She wants to flee the roof as well, but can't find it in her to get up.

"On the way up she said she was gonna leave us right away, but I guess she got distracted." Sayaka elaborates, giggling nervously.

"I see." The words taste like ash in Mukuro's mouth.

"I, um." Sayaka fidgets uncomfortably. "I'm just gonna leave, Mukuro-san. Sorry for bothering you." She stands up.

"Wait." Mukuro chokes out, cursing herself right away. Why did she say that? Stupid, useless Mukuro.

"You shouldn't force yourself for my sake. I'd understand if you were in a bad mood today. I just hope I didn't do anything to cause it..." Sayaka sounds so pitiful that Mukuro feels a sting of pain in her chest.

"It's not your fault." Mukuro says quietly. "I just... you shouldn't be with me."

Sayaka hesitates. "... What do you mean?"

Even though every part of her body seems so strain against it, she nonetheless says the next words out loud. "Let's go to my room."

"Mukuro-san?" Sayaka asks, puzzled.

"I need to tell you something." Mukuro stands up, still averting her eyes, and starts walking, the idol following behind her silently. "Wait." She stops walking. She can't tell Sayaka on impulse. She has to think this through more carefully. "Let's talk after class, if you don't mind."

"R-Right. We'll have more time after classes are over, I guess."

"Yes." Mukuro agrees to Sayaka's meek words, and she hates herself for inspiring that tone in the other girl.

They walk to the classroom in silence.

 

-

 

The remaining classes pass so slowly that it's almost painful. At least she is successful in not looking into Sayaka's direction once.

The slowness does give her time to think, at least.

Junko has probably noticed her behavior today, and she wonders what her sister makes of it. It shouldn't be hard to figure out for someone with Junko's intellect, especially considering she has obviously pointed the problems of a friendship with Sayaka out to her already. It's a shame the advice is wasted on someone as stupid as her. Mukuro tells herself to apologize to her sister later.

Also, what exactly is she going to tell to Sayaka? She admittedly hasn't thought it through a whole lot yet. Would Sayaka just stop talking to her if Mukuro kept telling her that she shouldn't? No, probably not. Too stubborn.

Despite how slowly the time passes, she has barely made any progress when the final bell rings, signalling that it's time for her conversation with Sayaka.

Sayaka is waiting for her when she steps outside the classroom. Without acknowleding her but assuming she will follow, Mukuro walks towards her dorm room.

With every step Mukuro takes, her will wavers. When they finally arrive at her door, it's almost gone. "Mukuro-san?" Sayaka asks. Somehow hearing her name gives her enough strength to open the door and walk inside.

Once they're inside and the door is closed, she turns to the girl without wasting any time, albeit not being able to look her in the face. If she waits any longer, she won't be able to bring herself to say it. Steeling herself, Mukuro says the next words like a threat.

"I've killed people."

A few seconds pass. Mukuro turns around. "Just go."

For some reason, she can hear Sayaka slowly walking up to her even though she should leave. "Mukuro-san..." She murmurs, lightly touching her shoulder with her right hand. "That's why you...-"

"Yes." Mukuro cuts her off. "You shouldn't spend time with someone like me. I'm not a good person. I'm sorry for deceiving you." She says tonelessly. Why isn't the other girl leaving already?

"I knew that already."

Startled, Mukuro turns around, shaking off the hand on her shoulder in the process, and looks into Sayaka's face for the first time today. It's even more pale than usually, but there is no disgust. "What... what do you mean?"

"You're the Ultimate Soldier. And um, soldiers... they k-kill people." Sayaka gulps, attempting to keep her voice steady. "I don't mean to downplay it, but... that's just how things are, aren't they?"

"I've killed people." Mukuro repeats. "And you're just... fine with that?"

Sayaka flinches, averting her eyes. "I'm not sure if... that's the right word. But since when does anyone treat soldiers as outcasts? You shouldn't be any different..."

"I've killed people." Mukuro says again. "You should hate me."

"Mukuro-san," Sayaka looks at her again. Her right hand travels down and squeezes Mukuro's left hand, then retracts it. "I don't hate you. I don't even know the context... do you want to talk about it?" Talk about it?! Is that girl even aware of what kind of question she's asking?

"I..." Mukuro licks her lips, a nervous gesture that only surfaces rarely. "I don't... why don't you hate me? I've killed people."

"Please stop saying that, Mukuro-san." Sayaka requests firmly, pressing her lips into a thin line. "May I ask a private question?"

Slightly disturbed by Sayaka's calm demeanor, Mukuro nods.

"Did you ever..." Sayaka's calmness is gone in a flash and she stammers a little, obviously struggling with her words. "Did you ever... kill anyone just because you wanted to? For... for fun, I mean?"

"No." Mukuro says, and it's the truth, although the whole thing is a bit more complicated than that. She can't help but add something. "That doesn't mean all of my kills were justified. You realize that, right?"

"Killing people because you're ordered to is what a soldier does, isn't it?" Sayaka presses. "Do you think every soldier is a bad person or just you?"

"You're changing the subject. I would argue that a lot of soldiers are bad people, yes. Some don't realize what they're signing up for and can't cope with it, and those aren't necessarily bad people, but I coped just fine. I never questioned my orders once. I never cared." Mukuro argues, noticing her voice getting a bit heated.

"Look, I..." Sayaka's face has turned red, and it seems like she has difficulty coming up with an argument. "I haven't come here to discuss morality or anything," she snaps. "I'm not dumb! You're the Ultimate Soldier, so I've always known that you probably killed people before. I still want to be your friend!"

"Why?" Mukuro challenges. "Why would you want to be friends with a murderer?"

"Don't call yourself that!" Sayaka says, almost as if ordering her to.

"It's the truth."

"It's more complicated than that! It _has_ to be!"

"How would you know?!" Mukuro asks, raising her voice significantly. She isn't quite shouting, but it's close. "You barely know anything about me, so don't act like you know what I'm capable of!"

It's as though all the resentment she has felt for herself since yesterday comes out alongside her words in a furious snarl, and Sayaka's face seems to lose most of the color it has left. "Then..." She murmurs. "Then tell me more about yourself, Mukuro-san."

The anger fades slowly.

"I don't... I don't understand." Mukuro mutters, eyes glancing to the side aside, saying it more to herself than to anyone else. "Why won't you leave...?"

"We're friends." Sayaka says, then giggles. "Weird, huh? It hasn't even been a week yet, but I feel like I've known you for a year."

Rather than making her heart flutter like always, hearing Sayaka's giggle feels like getting stabbed into the very same organ instead. "I've killed people." She repeats desperately, for what seems like the hundredth time.

Sayaka's footsteps echo in the eerie silence of her dorm room. And before she knows it, Mukuro feels herself getting embraced gently. Sayaka starts speaking quietly, and the calmingly beautiful voice makes her want to hug back... even though she can't do that.

"I really like you, Mukuro-san. I don't want to stop being your friend. I... I understand you have a complicated history. And if you're ready to share it, you can tell me anytime. You feel guilty for keeping it from me, but it's totally normal to keep some things to yourself. And you haven't even known me for a week yet." Sayaka pulls her head back a bit, presumably to look into her eyes, but Mukuro's face is still casted downwards. "Don't you want to be my friend?"

"I do." Mukuro croaks. "But... but there are things... things if you knew... you would hate me..."

"Mukuro-san..." Sayaka's left hand touches her right cheek gingerly, and Mukuro finally looks up and into the other girl's eyes. "You know," she murmurs, smiling sadly. "I've done bad things too..." Sayaka's hand cups her right cheek, and Mukuro shudders when she feels the fingertips softly caressing it. "I can't tell you right now, but I want to in the future."

"I've done worse than you." Mukuro quietly says, and she knows she is right.

"Maybe so." Sayaka seems to concede. "But that doesn't make my actions any less bad." Before Mukuro can say something, she continues. "For now... let's not talk about bad things anymore, okay?"

"I can't just ignore what I've done..." Mukuro only hears her voice faintly, it's as if she is hypnotized by Sayaka's blue eyes. "You would hate me."

"Mukuro-san, have you hated yourself all this time for not telling me?"

"No..." Mukuro says, and admitting to the fact makes her feel even more loathsome. "I've been trying to ignore it... because I like being your friend so much. I was forced to confront it yesterday though... and- and sometimes it was hard to ignore."

"Then let's make a deal, okay?"

Mukuro gives Sayaka a dubious look. "A deal?"

Sayaka smiles in response, and it's not a sad one like before. "Yes. Let's make a deal that sooner or later we'll both tell each other about the things we did. Would that set your mind at ease?"

Mukuro hesitates.

Sayaka is giving her an easy way out and it sounds too good to be true. And...

Agreeing to that would make her awful, wouldn't it? Sayaka wouldn't offer a deal like that if she knew the extent of Mukuro's horribleness. But...

Sayaka wants to be her friend despite knowing she has killed. Maybe...

No, Sayaka wants to believe it was all justified. She doesn't know the truth. Still...

Sayaka wants to be her friend. Really wants to be her friend. And...

When Mukuro looks into Sayaka's eyes again, the battle within herself comes to an end. "Okay," she agrees, feeling breathless. Sayaka's face lights up, and Mukuro feels sick to her stomach. "But," she adds, _has_ to add. "We have to promise... it has to be before the year is over. Please."

Sayaka looks confused. "Okay," she says in spite of it. "I don't really get it, but seven months seems like a good amount of time." She giggles, though it sounds more than a little nervous.

Relief and disgust at herself both flood Mukuro, and she isn't sure how much longer she can be with Sayaka in the same room with the onslaught of emotions she is experiencing. Noticing their closeness and the hand still on her cheek, Mukuro steps backwards like Sayaka's hand is scorchingly hot.

"I would like to be alone for a while, if you don't mind." Mukuro says tonelessly, and has to use every bit of willpower within herself not to resort to begging.

"I understand." Sayaka says. "Would you like me to call Junko-chan and tell her we have to postpone our trip to the mall? I don't think you're in the mood for that..."

Mukuro pales. The mall. She's completely forgotten about that. "N-No... it's fine," she stammers. "I will tell her myself." If she doesn't tell Junko herself, she will get even angrier at it.

"Okay. Um, before I leave..." Sayaka rocks on her heels, and her face has gained enough color to darken a bit with red. "Can you say my name? You haven't said it at all today and hearing it now would cheer me up. It's selfish, I know..."

Mukuro feels her face getting hot. "Sayaka-san." She says out loud.

Sayaka giggles, looking embarrassed. "Sorry, Mukuro-san. It's an odd thing to ask for."

"It's fine." Mukuro mumbles.

Sayaka bites her lower lip. "Well... bye. I hope you feel better."

"I do." Mukuro says, not quite sure whether she is lying or not. "Goodbye."

Sayaka walks out, only stopping for a second to give her a concerned look before closing the door, leaving Mukuro alone in her room.

 

-

 

Mukuro isn't sure what to do with herself once Sayaka has left. A part of her wants to lie down, and another one wants to run after the girl and take the deal back. Eventually it all dulls down into a cold numbness, like always.

She sits down on her bed and takes off her blazer, then kicks off her shoes. Today has been exhausting, for both her mind and body. All she wants is to lie down and rest. Without bothering to change out of her uniform, Mukuro lies down and closes her eyes. Her head still hurts, making it hard to relax, and she almost considers going to Junko's room and asking for some of those headache pills.

Her eyes shoot open. Junko.

She takes out her phone, but after looking at it for a minute without pressing a button she decides she has to tell Junko about it personally.

After putting on her shoes, she leaves her room and walks over to Junko's, ringing the doorbell briefly. It opens almost right away.

"Sis!" Junko doesn't look the least bit surprised to see her. "Let me guess, you want me to pick out your clothes!"

"Um, actually... you see..." Mukuro can't help but trail off despite the fact that it annoys her sister, though she recovers quickly. It's best to just get to the point. "I don't think I'm up for shopping today. I'm really sorry-"

Without a word, Junko grabs her arm and pulls her inside her room, kicking the door closed. Mukuro narrowly avoids falling over, mostly because she expected it and because of her reflexes. Now leaning against the door, Junko looks at her with a mix between curiosity and irritation. "Explain." She orders.

Her sister really can't be blamed for that reaction. Mukuro has never cancelled before; even if she didn't feel like going, which is most of the time. "I know now what you meant when you said those things about not realizing how I was being stupid. And the part about playing pretend with Sayaka-san."

"Really now?" Junko says, then claps her hands together. "Wow, Mukuro-chan! And here I thought you'd take longer! For once, you're not a disappointment!"

"I probably wouldn't have realized it so soon," Mukuro admits. "But Komaeda-san told me a story that forced me to confront it."

"Oh, yes!" Junko scoffs. "His sad little backstory. Personally I found it boring, but you know..." Her lips twist into a gleeful smile. "I just _knew_ it would help you out."

"You knew about the story?" Mukuro asks, and she realizes now that Junko's enthusiasm at getting her to talk with Komaeda and Tsumiki might not have been _just_ because they are both hard to deal with.

"I know about both, yeah." Junko says like explaining something obvious. "My cute little nurse is very eager to share everything she has on her mind with me, and the Ultimate Weirdo does anything you tell him to as long as you're an Ultimate yourself. I didn't even have to try!" She says that as if it is both something that amuses and disappoints her.

"That's not a very nice thing to say, Junko-chan..." Mukuro mutters without meaning to, and upon realizing it she feels panic setting in.

Before she can take her words back though, Junko laughs. "Are you worried?! That's so cute, Mukuro-chan! Maybe next time while you garrote someone, you'll tell them a nice bedtime story at the same time?"

"I'm- I'm sorry, Junko-chan." It doesn't seem like her sister wants an apology, but it can't hurt to try. Probably.

"Whatever!" Junko rolls her eyes. "So you've realized you're an awful, despicable traitor and can't be Sayaka-chan's friend and et cetera. That's why we can't go to the mall, right?"

"Um, actually..." Mukuro gulps, scared of what Junko's reaction might be. She doesn't think it's going to be anger, but laughter might be even worse. Just a little short of muttering, she begins speaking. "I don't know why, but Sayaka-san kept insisting that I must have had good reasons for killing people. She... I may not be a good judge, but I feel she had a big underreaction..." Something about that doesn't seem right to her, so she considers it again before continuing. "No, it's more like she seemed to force herself not to care. She was uncomfortable, but tried really hard to be calm about it... I don't know. She still wanted to be my friend and didn't want to listen to me when I said my reasons for killing weren't good." The explanation probably isn't very good, but it is the best she can do right now.

Junko hums. "And you accepted?"

"Yes." Mukuro says, feeling a wave of shame crashing over her. "But, we made a deal to tell each other about bad things we did..."

"Oh?" Junko's face changes into an expression Mukuro can't quite figure out, but she seems to be very interested in that part. "About everything you _did_ , huh?"

"Yes." Mukuro says, a little puzzled.

"God, you're so stupid that I can't take it!" Junko exclaims suddenly. "I seriously can't wait for you to make the connection! Like, it's gonna take you half a year for sure! Now listen up, stupid sister of mine... no, wait." She interrupts herself. "This is way too easy!"

"Junko-chan...?"

"Let's talk about executions! I tried to come up with Ishimaru's all week, but all my ideas are too lame. So y'know, maybe the stars are aligned today and you can actually think of something good."

Junko changing the topic without explaining anything is not unusual for her, but this seemed a bit odd just now nonetheless. Of course, asking for an explanation is unnecessary at best so Mukuro tries to think. Luckily the two of them have already made some basic research on all of their classmates before entering Hope's Peak Academy. "Ishimaru-kun's grandfather was a disgraced prime minister, so maybe a political assassination?" She suggests.

Junko gives her an unimpressed look. "Seriously? You just wanna shoot the guy? God, Mukuro-chan, that's so impersonal and boring. But then so are you, so what did I expect?"

"It's the political theme that makes it personal." Mukuro weakly tries to argue.

"And that's the only reason why I'm not disowning you on the spot!" Junko says, annoyed, but then concentrates on something. "Then again! A thoroughly boring execution for a thoroughly boring guy! You might be onto something after all. Not bad, sis! I'll file it under above average ideas you had. Wow, not much in there."

Barely able to believe that her suggestion has been accepted as adequate, Mukuro smiles slightly. "I'm glad you think so, Junko-chan."

"Then I'm sure you can think of something good for more of our classmates too, right?" Junko asks, an undercurrent of eagerness in her voice.

Mukuro feels her smile getting a nervous edge. "I will try my best."

"Well, see, I've been trying to think of something for Sayaka-chan, but since you know her better and all..."

It feels like the temperature has dropped alongside Junko's words, and Mukuro wishes she could run away. "Junko-chan..." She pleads.

Junko bursts out laughing. "Your _face_ , sis! God, I can't believe you're so stupid you didn't see this coming! Like, come on!"

"It just..." Mukuro is trying to think of something, but it's like her mind is blank. "It's... wrong. Sayaka-san is my friend."

Junko abruptly stops laughing. "So what?" She asks coldly. "Sayaka-chan is my friend too. And," she says the word like she's sighing. "The despair I'd feel if she died... just thinking about it makes me so excited!"

"Junko-chan, I told you how I feel about Sayaka-san and despair..." Mukuro tells her sister carefully.

"Oh, I remember." Junko snorts with disdain. "You're not at my level yet and blabber, blabber, blabber. What does the despair feel like now?! After realizing you've been deceiving Sayaka-chan all this time? Did you level up?!"

"Not really. I just felt bad." Mukuro answers, and it's obvious now that her words haven't reached Junko in the way she wanted to.

"That's a shame." Junko says, shrugging. "So you don't wanna talk about Sayaka-chan getting executed because it's gonna make you a bad friend, huh?"

"I suppose." Mukuro says, averting her sister's eyes.

"See, I don't get it." Out of the corner of her eyes she sees Junko tilting her head and rubbing her chin as if pretending like she's in deep thought. "You know it's gonna happen, but you're just ignoring it. Does that really make you a good friend? Aren't you still doing the exact same thing you did before you had that big realization?

"So you made a promise to tell her about your adventures with your boring mercenary friends in detail, but you know she's gonna drop you like a popcorn shirt after they stopped being fashionable as soon as you do. Isn't that deal just some pathetic attempt at stalling for time? For the sake of your own self-gratification?

"And what's more, the deal was about what you _did_. Don't you think Sayaka-chan might be more interested in what _will_ happen? Do you think she'll be grateful if I tell her that you didn't want to talk about her execution when I put her through it and you're not lifting a finger to help her?

"Oh, so Mukuro-chan didn't want to talk about the execution. So that means she doesn't have to feel guilty now, huh? What a _great_ friend!"

Mukuro gapes at her sister like a fish. "N-No," she stammers, her brain lurching. "That's... that's not- I don't- I never..."

"Aww, of course not!" Junko says, somehow understanding perfectly what she is trying to say. "You don't mean to be cruel, you're just selfish in that charmingly thoughtless kinda way. Y'know, if you actually meant it I might even be proud of you."

"I can't tell her about that!" Mukuro blurts out, almost shouting. "It would put you in danger! I would never do anything like that!"

"Hey, Mukuro-chan," Junko gives her a look and Mukuro freezes. "Do you think I'm stupid? No, it's more that you're so stupid that you don't even realize how stupid you're sounding, right? Obviously you can't tell her that, shit for brains!" She yells. "Look, your brain-dead excuses were funny at first, but now they're just getting annoying. Let me put this in a way that tiny pea in your head understands," she inhales and starts speaking loudly and slowly. "You. Can. Simply. Stop. Being. Her. Friend. So. Shut. Your. Stupid. Mouth. Already."

Mukuro swallows. "But I tried-"

"Oh, shut up!" Junko screams, her lips curled up in a grin despite how angry she sounds. She punches Mukuro's arm in a way that almost seems playful. "If you really wanted to, you could stop being her friend anytime easily! God, your excuses are making me so sick I'm gonna throw up. At least admit to it!"

Mukuro stares at her sister, rubbing her arm even though the punch barely hurt. "You're right," she says, feeling like she is suffocating. "I've been trying so hard to- to justify my friendship with Sayaka-san to myself, but... but- I'm so selfish, Junko-chan." She sniffles. It's disgraceful and pathetic, but she can't help herself. "I don't know what to do... I like her so much, but I'm deceiving her and- and keeping things from her she would hate me for. Just, please tell me what I should do."

Junko hasn't lost her grin. In fact, it has become wider. "So," she says, casually inspecting her nails. "Are you asking me to give you an _order_?"

Mukuro nods desperately.

Junko laughs, then her right hand shoots forward to grab hers. She yanks on it, and Mukuro falls on her knees. "I guess you never were the Big Bad Wolf, huh?" She asks, glancing at the Fenrir tattoo. Or rather, it would look like a mere glance to anyone who doesn't know Junko. To Mukuro it looks like a seething glare. "You're just a well-trained dog after all. Isn't that right?"

"Yes." Mukuro agrees. Her sister's fingernails start scraping the back of her hand, the tattoo, causing her to wince.

"And," Junko takes her eyes off the tattoo and looks into Mukuro's eyes. "Who do you belong to?"

"You." Mukuro answers.

"Good." The feeling of those sharp fingernails scratching the back of her hand disappears, and Mukuro lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. Junko releases her hand and gets down on one knee so the two of them are face to face. "I'm ordering you to think for yourself." She says.

Mukuro blinks. "Junko-chan?"

Junko gets up again. "Did you seriously think I'd make this so easy for you?" She asks, looking incredibly bemused. Then mild amusement turns into a beam. "I can make a few suggestions though, if you want!"

"You don't have to." Mukuro assures, not liking the look on her sister's face.

As if Mukuro didn't say anything, she continues. "You could try killing her! Sure, you'll be sad for a while, but at least it's resolved. No, wait! Don't do that. I want all our classmates there for the game." She hums. "Well, you could always just run away and avoid everything. You're good at that, aren't you?"

The first suggestion made Mukuro feel sick to her stomach, but the second one... she can't describe that feeling. "Junko-chan..." She says helplessly, standing up hesitantly, then glances down at the wolf's head on her hand.

"Did Sayaka-chan ever ask why that ugly tattoo of yours is covered up sometimes?" Junko asks all of a sudden.

Mukuro shakes her head.

"What are you gonna tell her if she ever asks?"

Junko sounds as if she is genuinely interested. "I..." Mukuro licks her extremely dry lips. "I don't know."

"Are you gonna tell her sometimes you have to cover it up because it makes your poor little sister upset?" Junko's question sounds like she is suggesting it is a lie.

Mukuro hesitates. "But isn't that the reason?" She asks meekly.

Junko smiles coldly. "It might as well be a lie. Sayaka-chan is gonna think I'm crying my eyes out at night because my poor big sis had to kill people and I feel so bad for her. I wonder," she says. "What would she think if she knew you abandonded your little sister just so you could turn yourself into a murder machine?"

Mukuro stares at the floor, resisting the urge to cry. She has an almost desperate need to apologize and explain herself, but she forces her lips shut with all her might. She has tried doing both many times, but it never gets her anything other than bruises and scratches -- and last time she lost a tooth. More importantly, it always makes Junko feel worse.

Junko has every right to be angry at her, of course. She just wishes...

She doesn't even know. She has no right to wish for anything anyway.

"Well," Junko sighs. "I'm not allowing you to run away again, so I guess both of my suggestions aren't gonna work out. Now," she claps, causing Mukuro to flinch. "Let's pretend for a second your brain cells are all still working, sis. Make an argument in favor of staying friends with Sayaka-san, then make a counter argument. And, let's see, if there are more arguments in favor you'll keep being her friend! How does that sound?"

"Okay." Mukuro says, because her sister is clearly expecting her to agree to the suggestion. "I suppose if I taught Sayaka-san how to fight she would have a better chance of surviving."

"One in favor!" Junko cheers. "It sucks that keeping from her why you're teaching her that to begin with counts as one against."

Mukuro nods slowly. "She said she wants to be my friend."

"One in favor! Too bad that she definitely wouldn't wanna be your friend if she knew more about you, so that's one against."

Mukuro nods again. She is supposed to be the one coming up with a counter reason, but she doesn't think pointing that out to Junko is a good idea. "Sayaka-san... um..." She tries to concentrate, to come up with another reason... but nothing comes to mind. Are there really so few reasons for Sayaka to be her friend? She shouldn't be surprised.

"You obviously adore spending time with her." Junko says, rolling her eyes. "I'd say that's one in favor."

"But..." Mukuro protests, yet she doesn't know what else to say.

Junko lets out a short shriek of laughter. "Oh, that's rich. You don't wanna stop being friends with her because you're selfish, but you're refusing to accept selfish reasons? Do I even have to point out how stupid that is?!"

Mukuro's mouth opens and closes uselessly.

"Wow." Junko snorts. "You're so upset you're being even more stupid than usually, and that's saying something." She yawns. "This is obviously a waste of time, Mukuro-chan. You should probably leave."

"Junko-chan, please..." Mukuro begs, not able to stop tears from forming in her eyes.

Upon seeing them, her sister's face twists into something that makes her heart stop. Then, Junko swiftly backhands her across the face.

Mukuro drops on the floor without making a sound.

"Listen, Mukuro." Junko says in a low voice, looking down at her without a trace of emotion on her face. "I've been trying to help you out this entire time, but you're just too damn useless. Get up."

Mukuro obeys, scrambling up to her feet in a flash. Her right cheek is stinging painfully, but she doesn't dare to reach for it. "I'm sorry." She says so quietly it should be impossible to hear.

"You're sorry all the time." Junko says, always managing to hear her. "And I don't care. You want my advice, huh? You really do?"

Mukuro has no idea how to answer that without getting hit again. "I-I want whatever annoys you the least..."

Junko scoffs, but doesn't hit her. "Stay friends with her. It's a win-win situation. See, either your stupid teachings manage to help her survive and she'll fall into despair after seeing her friends die one by one, not to mention at least one of them betraying her... or she dies. Now I know what you're thinking, either she lives in despair or dies in despair. And in either outcome you're in despair too. That almost seems like it's only win-win for me, but," she says, squatting down and patting Mukuro's head, smiling so brightly that it seems impossible to believe how angry she was a few seconds ago. "Aren't you happy when I'm happy, sis?"

Mukuro nods.

"Good answer. And don't worry," Junko's hand trails down from her head and cups her left cheek gently, like she is touching porcelain. "Sooner or later you'll come around. You'll see just how great it feels to be in despair. You can try for me, can't you?"

Mukuro nods.

"Good." Junko stands up straight again. "Now get out and think it through on your own for once. Y'know, independently. I'm sick of looking at your ugly face."

Mukuro stands up as well, walking to the door. With her hand on the handle, she turns to her sister slightly. "I'm sorry for being stupid and for wasting your time, Junko-chan. Thank you for your advice."

Junko smiles thinly. "Hey, sisters are supposed to be there for each other, right?"

"Yes." Mukuro agrees, and feels like a disgusting piece of trash. She doesn't deserve her sister's kindness. Then, after a brief pause, she adds: "I love you, Junko-chan."

"I know." Junko replies, still smiling in that same way.

Without another word, Mukuro leaves the room. Just once, she wishes Junko would say it back to her.

She supposes she doesn't deserve hearing those words either.

 

-

 

Mukuro enters her dorm room.

She sits down on her bed, then takes off her shoes, and puts her phone on her pillow without looking at it.

She stares up at the ceiling, thinking.

Despair. Can she really learn to like it as much as Junko does? A lot of the things her sister calls despair have ceased bothering her over time, but that doesn't mean she likes them.

Maybe she isn't trying hard enough.

Could Sayaka learn to like it?

What a ridiculous notion. Has she become so desperate?

Mukuro shakes her head to get rid of the thought, but new ones keep attacking her.

She has made her decision to stay friends with Sayaka the moment Junko said so, but she can't help but think about things.

She has no idea what to do. For how long can she ignore the guilt, the feelings that keep eating her up from the inside? Mukuro takes her cellphone, finally reading those two messages Sayaka sent her yesterday.

 **Sayaka-chan:** so do i! is it weird that im kinda excited to see what youre wearing like casually? yeah it probably is! im not apologizing though :D

 **Sayaka-chan:** really though im looking forward to tomorrow. youre a great friend and so is junko-chan. im sure its gonna be a lot of fun! :)

She puts the phone back on the pillow, her hand shaking slightly. With a scowl, she grips it tightly.

Mukuro looks down at her Fenrir tattoo.

What does it matter if she's selfish? How does that compare to what she has done already?

Faces flash through her mind, people she has killed, and she doesn't even remember most. She feels nothing, isn't even sure why she still remembers all these insignificant people.

Why does she even care about this one? And if Junko... if it makes Junko happy then...

Mukuro's hand moves up and she rubs her left cheek.

She glances to the cellphone. Sayaka, who has such a beautiful smile. Sayaka, who is so kind to her. Sayaka, whose smile always makes her heart skip a beat. Sayaka, whose giggle she can't wait to hear everyday.

Feeling breathless, Mukuro opens her mouth. She breathes slowly.  So many people whose lives she has taken, whose lives she has ruined, and irreparably damaged. Then, her voice echoes in the room, and despite how it sounds it is not a question.

"What's one more?"

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> In ten years they'll finally get to go to the mall, I promise.


End file.
